早上写了一篇Issue,一篇Argument，都没完成，词句就像Baby talk,真是没法看。到光华的ET版上看人家的习作，看得触目惊心。

然后有人建议文法差的同学去借汪中平那门中级英语写作的笔记看看。

从来没有想过去选那样具有挑战性的中写高写课，可能是被一些流言吓坏了，什么选这些的都是牛人之类的。然后为了那无聊的绩点专门去挑一些不难、给分又好的课。结果没学到什么东西，绩点依然是与牛人望尘莫及。

后悔得一塌糊涂。

真的后悔得一蹋糊涂。

我的大学，怎么就全用在应付考试上了？

而且，仅仅是能够应付。

 

然后幡然醒悟，我这几年的青春，浪费得太可惜了。

最美好的时光，没有用在丰富自己的内涵，却被那些无聊的东西牵着鼻子走，那些琐碎的世俗的东西，还有那所谓的成绩。

我知道自己一直想摆脱，但我在害怕什么呢。这种糟糕的状态其实从高三就开始了。

一个学姐的签名档是：真的好后悔大学里没有好好学习。

我也真的好后悔，大学里没有真正去学点有价值的东西。或者说，学了一点，但是本来可以学更多。

 

复旦，尤其是文史哲方面有那么好的条件，我却没有充分地利用。当年一个生科的同学去旁听中文系的某一门专业课，推荐我说很不错，我想也没想，对自己说你没时间去旁听。我竟然落到这种惨境了。我的天。两年。我一直在应付，而且追得好累。也太狼狈了。出于功利，我便失落我所有的自信和洒脱。另一方面又因为自己懒，图轻松自在而白白浪费了不少时间。

 

真正的强者，是不屑于这些琐碎的。成绩只是真知的附属品，或者说，副产物。他们从来都是玩与学兼顾，能力和分数兼顾的。我何以忘记了什么是真正重要的东西了！竟然盲目至此！期间，一遍一遍地惊醒，又一遍一遍地跟着睡去！

 

成长，就像一棵小树深深地扎根，贪婪地汲取营养。

而我现在感觉我早就在消耗我曾经储备的养料了。几待竭尽。

怕痛而不愿往深里扎根，怕累而不竭力吸收养分。然后，摇摇欲坠。

 

而我想要的，应该是生命品质的出类拔萃和日日更新。

 

听说00届一个拿全A，去了Cornell的师兄，因为压力太大而回国修养。很久以前的事了。不提也罢。

 

而我想要的，是生命的不断厚实和完备。

 

所幸的是，大学，还有一年半的补救时光。

I feel upset since yesterday night. My long-lost dream was brought back to me again, so strong and clear that it began to disturb me. When I began facing up with the uncertainty which I always tend to evade, I find myself in despondency.The reality provides me less than enough courage to keep realizing my dream. Finally, the dream is almost forgotten. And now it seems to be even more hopeless...... So worried...Why let my heart be troubled? The Bible teaches us: "do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."The words are full of wisdom, however, do not worry does not mean ignore, escape, or stop pursuing. I should be strong. I need to grow strong. I am not a little girl any more, who always turn to help from parents,and who always lose heart. Although my dream is so far away that I can hardly reach, there should not be tears in my eyes! Although I finally realized such fierce even cruel competition and find myself less competitive, I have to tell myself--Never give up! Even there is only the last chance, I will try! Take heart, believe there is nothing impossible. And there is always hope. Remember your dream, never let it fade away again....

 

Take it easy? It is so ridiculous that once I take it easy, I wil lose the motivation and become indolent! Endeavor always comes with strong emotion.  Just take it easy and just do it? It is so easier said than done! No, it is the time to exert myself!

 

For the dream once lost...... and for the hope always present......

 

by D.W.Longfellow

 

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,

"Life is but an empty dream!"

for the soul is dead that slumbers,

And things are not what they seem.

 

Life is real! Life is earnest!

And the grave is not its goal;

"Dust thou art, to dust returnest,'

was not spoken of the soul.

 

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,

Is our destined end or way;

But to act, that each to-morrow

Finds us farther than to-day

 

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,

And our hearts, though stout and brave,

Still, like muffled drums, are beating

Funeral marches to the grave.

 

In the world's broad field of battle,

In the bivouac of Life,

Be not like dumb, driven cattle!

Be a hero in the strife!

 

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!

Let the dead Past bury its dead!

Act, --act in the living Present!

Heart within, and God o'erhead!

 

Lives of great men all reminds us

We can make our lives sublime.

And, departing, leave behind us

Footprints on the sands of time;

 

Footprints, that perhaps another,

Sailing o'er life's solemn main,

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,

Seeing, shall take heart again.

 

Let us, then, be up and doing,

With a heart for any fate;

Still achieving, still pursuing,

Learn to labour and to wait.

 

I happened to see this psalm in the last few pages of a book and found in it some encouragement.

This morning I was thinking that maybe the most unbearable burden of life is idleness rather than those bewildering successive tough tasks. It's true. I have experienced a lot in my life the happiness when I made full use of every seconds to finish a certain task. However it is a pity that I never persist to finish any plan I set up for myself.

I still remember once Nora's advice:

  take time to think;

  a plan in advance will do good;

  work hard and efficiently to achieve it.

Now she is in Princeton pursuing her study of Ph.D program.

 

Action. only through action can we harvest a life full of happiness and abundance.

I tell myself again and again that i should hurry up. but still it doesn't work.

GRE is not an easy task, i know. And the worst of all-- English is my weakness.

I finally made my schedual and found that the time left is not as plentiful as i thought.

 

I will always feel exicited when doing things that are really challenging, and always do better. Maybe because i will not feel so boring and will be in a strenuous state, and thus, will be more engaged in the task.

 

Now i begin to feel exicited...a state that i havn't been in for a long time.

And battle is on...

      这是真的。

有个村庄的小康之家的女孩子，生得美，有许多人来做媒，但都没有说成。那年她不过十五六岁吧，是春天的晚上，她立在后门口，手扶着桃树。她记得她穿的是一件月白的衫子。对门住的年轻人同她见过面，可是从来没有打过招呼的，他走了过来，离得不远，站定了，轻轻的说了一声：“噢，你也在这里吗？”她没有说什么，他也没有再说什么，站了一会，各自走开了。

 就这样就完了。

 后来这女子被亲眷拐了卖到他乡外县去作妾，又几次三番地被转卖，经过无数的惊险的风波，老了的时候她还记得从前那一回事，常常说起，在那春天的晚上，在后门口的桃树下，那年轻人。

 于千万人之中遇见你所遇见的人，于千万年之中，时间的无涯的荒野里，没有早一步，也没有晚一步，刚巧赶上了，那也没有别的话可说，惟有轻轻的问一声：“噢，你也在这里吗？”


　　 （原刊1944年4月《杂志》月刊第13卷第l期  ）

一年又过去了。

晚上去外婆家吃饭。在外公房间里，昏黄的灯光，外公倚在床上，我则站在床边。我们一句话也没有说，静静地享受着家的温馨和那一份不需要言语的爱。我只希望这一刻就这样无限地延长下去。There is no place like home. 和外公外婆在一起，我就会想起小时候，想起那种在他们膝下欢笑，平静安宁的日子。想起外婆讲的故事，外公那一柜子的旧书，以及教我写大字的情景。而如今，和他们在一起的日子一年中也屈指可数了。

我总是在想，什么才是我希望的生活，什么才是家人希望我过的生活。是去乘风破浪，还是一直陪伴在家人身边。香港繁华的街市，夜晚的流光溢彩，便捷和人性化的设施带给了我全新的体验，然而当我再一次踏上家这片土地的时候，那一路的尘土飞扬，满街的油烟味和喧嚣，却勾勒出江南小镇独特的画面，没有都市的文明，却有童年说不尽的故事和黄昏巷子口飘来的烧饼的味道。简单而令人满足。

杭州是一个令人庸倦的城市，印象中就是巷子口的一张藤椅一把蒲扇和一杯茶，然后是无线电收音机里的越剧吱吱呀呀地放着，或者是一本明清的小说。可以舒服地度过一日。

当小城的居民一窝蜂地涌向大城市的时候，当很多同学毕业后想留在上海的时候，我却一如既往地厌恶那个地方。灰色和淡漠。虽然这里也免不了市侩的庸俗。

回忆这几个月来，最开心的时光，其实并不是在旺角铜锣湾购物转街，不是在星光大道看中环的夜景，而是那几次去hiking, 去看海，去澳门感受残破的欧式的风情。自然带给我的快乐，远比那些所谓的现代文明要深刻得多。

当然，Life is not just living.